Edit: I wrote this pretty much right after it happened yesterday and was in a contemplative mood. Everyone has ups and downs, rights? This morning was much better.
Some days I can run with nothing on my mind but fleeting thoughts of what I’ll eat when I get home – protein shake? Eggs, toast, the full breakfast? A proats (protein-oats) mix?…or, sometimes, I narrate my own run with thoughts of what I’m seeing; “Oh wow, there’s a deer!”, “Ew, what is that?”. “Frog! Ick!”…and then there are other times, like this morning, when I have something very heavy weighing on my mind. When this happens, it is no bueno. My run goes by fast, sure, probably because my mind is so far elsewhere that the miles just tick away, but the problematic portion of the heavy-thoughts-run is when I work myself up into a panic attack/run-cry combo.
Yeah. No bueno.
I’m not a typical panic attack getter, so I’m probably labeling this incorrectly; in fact, it probably only feels like a panic attack (i.e. elephant sitting on my chest, cannot breathe) because my heart rate is already jacked and then I get the cry-hiccups and can’t breathe thus making me have to stop running to calm down. I’m sure to the average passerby, I look like I’m running away from an attacker, rather than out for my morning run happening to be mid-run cry.
Regardless of what I may look like when this happens, it is not fun, nor is it an effective addition to my runs. This morning when my mind didn’t want to turn off, or change channels, I had to stop twice to calm myself down. It’s happened to me twice in my run-life, the other time being a few months ago during one of my lunch-runs.
Running is typically a therapeutical time for me; gives me time to think about and reflect on, typically, positive things and achievements, as I cheer myself onward. I have negative tendencies when it comes to self-evaluation, and running and fitness has definitely helped improve that, but negativity never ceases to exist in my mind. Hopefully this was a one-off occurrence (two off? Meh) and wont be a constant or habitually recurring thing.